The Relationship Handbook (10/10)

Summary and Highlights

If you have a change of heart, your marriage will be on a new footing.

A change of heart is the force that erases the distress in relationships and gives you a fresh start.

A relationship dysfunction—a conflict, boredom or resentment—needs no healing time and is always reversible. A change of heart can occur in an instant.

Many marriage counselors say the past its unexpressed emotions and habit patterns—and poor communication are the “bad guys” that cause mental and relationship distress. These are the symptoms of relationship distress, not the cause. The cause, the real bad guy, is insecurity.

Painful memories, negative emotions, habit patterns and bad communication are all symptoms of insecurity.

Insecurity is the source of distress and all counterproductive behavior.

Thoughts of insecurity periodically pass through our minds. If we dismiss these thoughts, we will remain secure, our ideal selves: easygoing, joyful, compassionate and wise. If we harbor our thoughts of insecurity, we end up in a state of distress.

Marriage counseling doesn’t work because:

Therapists tend to teach couples to struggle with their problems instead of giving them a fresh start.
Therapists use low mood therapy instead of high mood therapy.
Clients are given misinformation, the same misinformation that explains why so many therapists get divorced.

When couples go to a marriage counselor there are three possible outcomes: (1) they get a fresh start, (2) they stay together and “cope with” a tense or sour marriage. (3) they separate.

Coping involves struggling (a more honest term for “working on”) with problems and expressing your feeling about them. Coping takes time and work and provides only temporary relief.

It is about as effective as releasing steam without turning down the heat.

The strength of their marriages lies not in their ability to cope with their problems, but in their ability to keep their bearings and to stay close.

People mistakenly believe that pain and effort are an inevitable part of relationships. They believe that analyzing their problems and living patterns will change them.

Analyzing problems makes you an expert on your problems. It doesn’t change you.

When partners probe and analyze each other’s faults, as they learn to do in most marriage counseling, they become insecure, defensive and resistant to change. They bring out the worst in each other.

LOW MOOD THERAPY

There are actually two kinds of therapy: low mood therapy and high mood therapy.

During low mood therapy the client is in a low mood because he’s probing problems and other negative thoughts.

In high mood therapy, clients engage the thoughts we have in high moods—insights, non-contingent positive feelings and big-picture perspectives.

THE LOW MOOD THERAPY PROCESS

1. The counselor asks clients to list their problems. This step makes all the problems vivid in the clients’ minds, thereby lowering their spirits.

Counselor and clients delve into each problem in detail. They look at its cause, its implications and associated memories, emotions and fears.

Problems now seem so formidable that clients are discouraged.

2. From this discouraged state of mind, the counselor and clients attempt to solve relationship problems. The process is usually painful and unproductive.

The counselor concludes that the couple needs to put extensive “work” into their relationship. He or she then asks if they are willing to make the commitment. The couple considers how painful and unproductive their efforts have been and are reluctant to throw “good money after bad.”

The high mood therapist

Sees that extracting misunderstandings, misinformation, overreactions, grudges and discouragement from relationships lays a foundation for a fresh start. This observation keeps the high mood therapist hopeful and patient.

She doesn’t focus on problems. Instead, she explains personality and mood distortions and shows how misinformation damages relationships.

Once this understanding strikes home, the couple begins to glimpse the same possibilities for their relationship that the therapist sees. They see the viability of a fresh start. At this point, the couple sees their relationship history as a nightmare from which they are awakening.

A characteristic of very low moods is that every little problem looks like the tip of an iceberg.

In the ignorance of low moods, they think the “real” Ben and Jennifer have finally surfaced.

Their relationship is punctuated by insecurity, their mood held down by their fearful thoughts.

They bring their problem to a high mood therapist. Instead of analyzing their pattern of criticism and withdrawal, she reassures them that they have innocently brought out the worst in each other. She shows them that their behaviors have become exaggerated because they have been stuck in a low mood.

She explains how moods distort our thinking and perceptions. She explains that if they make allowances for them, moods will have no lasting effect on relationships.

Moods are the constant shifts in perspective built into our experience of life. Our thinking and therefore our perceptions of life are a function of mood changes. Our thoughts are more optimistic, lighthearted, and wise when we are in a high mood.

This book emphasizes thinking because it is the steering wheel for a happy life and satisfying relationships. Thinking is like breathing—we do it continuously from birth to death.

Thinking is like a function that allows every human being to create a personal reality.

Each thought creates a feeling that makes the thought appear real.

There is no way to enjoy a relationship if our minds are full of painful thoughts. We can’t enjoy anything while our minds are analyzing and criticizing.

As our thought processes get healthier, more responsive (less habitual), our relationships improve dramatically.

What makes people so rigid, so predictable in their thinking?

Mind-sets, which we also could call thought systems, create unique realities for people in the same way a film creates an image on a movie screen.

A mind-set predisposes us toward specific feelings and behaviors.

Mind-sets limit our perceived options and, in that way, cast our lot in life.

Often people think of feelings as things to work through or deal with.

But feelings were meant to be a barometer to help us maintain our emotional equilibrium.

Feelings provide our moment-to-moment experience of life. They tell us the extent to which our perceptions are distorted by our moods and thought systems.

The counselor finds and fans any spark of intimacy that exists between the partners. The couple begins to feel closer to each other and more hopeful about the relationship.

The counselor describes how insecurity distorts behavior in relationships.

He or she suggests that the relationship is not in as bad shape as it seems. The clients begin to see the spiral of emotional reactions that destroyed the closeness they want. They begin to see innocence in themselves and each other.

The counselor demonstrates that maintaining a sense of well-being is all it takes to make the relationship enjoyable and easy.

The counselor teaches them the building blocks of human psychological functioning: thinking, moods, mind-sets and feelings.

Understanding these principles enables the couple to create and maintain a sense of well-being and to feel warm and respectful toward each other, even in hard times.

According to the couple’s needs, the counselor discusses relationship-related subjects such as what the past really is, how to forgive and forget, how to use feeling as a compass of relationship well being and how compatibility is the result of the feeling, not the cause.

To get a fresh start in a marriage, we must know that the so-called “issues” in a marriage are symptoms and not causes of disharmony.

A misunderstanding of the deeper dynamics of a relationship.

Compatibility has to do with how you think and feel and not with how different you are.

THE COMPATIBILITY MYTH

Don’t personalities have to be compatible for a marriage to be successful?

A couple must feel compatible and close for a marriage to work.

Complementary and incompatible are two conclusions about the same situation, two sides of the same coin.

When differences are viewed with respect, partners are viewed as complementary.

Respect and affinity are the feelings that turn the personality differences into assets in a relationship.

Thoughts of incompatibility are a sign that the respect and affinity level in the relationship has slipped. It is always humbling to realize that today’s incompatibility was yesterday’s refreshing difference.”

The two perspectives are just one thought apart.

HOW THOUGHT CREATES INCOMPATIBILITY

To be close to our mates and enjoy their company. Closeness, a warm feeling of affinity, is the cake and the frosting.

Dissimilar values and economic incompatibility don’t matter if the emotional connection is there.

Warm feelings give people a positive outlook.

It is only when we lose good feelings that the qualities we think we want in a mate become important to us.

In fact, the number and strength of our wants is an excellent indicator of relationship well-being.

When we start to feel we are not getting what we want in our marriage, we know our level of intimacy is low.

Being close helps us to get the things we want, such as a good sexual relationship or material luxury, because intimacy leads to good teamwork.

Closeness brings out the best in each person.

It also inspires both partners to attend to the things that are important to their mates, making it easier to realize their joint and individual goals.

It is the thought of incompatibility that creates the feeling of incompatibility.

Natural compatibility is upset by negative thoughts and judgments.

If I am with a person and I entertain negative thoughts about how that person lives or is, my positive feelings begin to disappear.

When people are insecure, what they want and don’t want feels a lot more compelling to them.

But when our spirits are high, we’re more understanding.

We can see both sides more easily. We see that “issues” are not as important in the grand scheme of things as we thought they were.

In other words, it’s normal for us to be stubborn when we’re in a low mood and magnanimous when we’re in a higher frame of mind.

The cake is feeling contented inside. In your marriage, the cake is sharing good feelings as a couple. But couples can lose sight of the closeness in their marriage when they search for the specific conditions they think they want. Often, the only reason they want those specific conditions is that they assume they will bring more love.

Be careful not to hurt each other’s feelings over the issue.

We have to be more gentle with each other and more open just to enjoy each other.

Thoughts of compatibility or incompatibility are a compass that reacts to your level-of-closeness to the other person. When you are feeling close to your mate, you will not entertain thoughts about how compatible you are.

Remember that today’s incompatibilities were yesterday’s refreshing differences.

Those differences represent opportunities to learn from each other. If you take the role of the student, the respect you show your mate will raise the level of the relationship.

Communication enhances a relationship that is on track. If a relationship is off track, communication is, at best, like brushing your teeth right before you eat candy.

At worst, communication is tantamount to brushing your teeth with a tooth brush dipped in plaque.

THE COMMUNICATION MYTH

Doesn’t clear communication automatically improve the quality of a relationship?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

Positive communication does deepen the feeling between two people.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

The couple told the counselor they had a “communication problem.” They said they had bad feelings toward each other. The counselor responded, “It’s a good thing your communication is poor. Just think how terrible you’d feel if you could get your ill feelings across to each other.” The counselor then helped the couple find a close, warm feeling in their relationship—he facilitated a change of heart. When they felt close, they saw the problem in their relationship was the feeling, not the communication.

Communication is a pipe through which feelings pass. If the feelings are positive, the relationship will be uplifted. If they are negative, the couple’s level of closeness will drop.

In a relationship, then, the quality of feelings that passes through the communication pipe determines the state of that union. What brings new closeness and goodwill to a relationship is more positive feelings—not more talk. Good feelings are expressed in all kinds of ways besides talk. They radiate from your presence.

When we communicate from drunkenness, anger or happiness, what we say can only be understood within the context of that state of mind.

If the two of you start a discussion at 7:10 P.M. and at 7:30 you feel closer, you are making progress. Your level of closeness is a moment-to-moment measure of your progress.

There is no such thing as a productive discussion that alienates its parties.

There is no such thing as an unproductive discussion that brings two people closer together.

Communication takes care of itself. It’s the feelings that need to be tended to.

Each of you is probably seeing things a little bit differently than before, a little more optimistically. (They nod.) If you share these positive thoughts, they will help the relationship to spiral up. Believe me, these positive thoughts are just as real as the negative thoughts. It’s only force of habit that makes you dismiss positive thoughts and stick with the negative.

You have to learn to trust it. Any time you can share hopeful, high-spirited thoughts, your relationship will benefit.

Positive thoughts are just as real as negative thoughts and feelings. In fact, they’re more real! Negative thoughts are always associated with fears of the future and negative memories of the past, and only the present is real.

Left off here

You don’t have to feel this way all the time to have a good marriage. You just have to remember that when you slip into the doldrums, your thoughts and perceptions will go with you. If that happens, don’t take your thoughts too seriously.

If you communicate those negative thoughts to each other, believe me, they’ll seem more real. If you must share them, though, warn the other person it’s your mood that’s speaking, not you

communication isn’t nearly as important as how we feel when we communicate

Communication is to relationships what mopping up spills is to housecleaning. You need to clean up messes, but the idea is not to make them in the first place.

When your spirits are low is when you are most compelled to “talk about things” and least advised to do so.

Many of the statements you make then will seem false or damaging from the perspective of a higher mood.

If you must communicate when you are both down, head for the high ground—the positive and hopeful.

You can always share possibilities and visions, discuss how difficult it is to see things accurately in a low mood, how much you want the same thing, how deceiving appearances can be and the things for which you’re grateful. These subjects will lift your mood as you discuss them.

Listen for the spirit behind the communication. When you are touched by feelings, you have gotten what that person has tried to say.

You will feel enriched and the other person will feel heard.

Use your level of closeness as a compass to assess how well your discussion is progressing. If, after ten minutes, you are feeling closer to each other, continue on the same track. If you feel more distant, stop, and give it another try later

If you want to continue, start all over and head the discussion in another direction. There is no such thing as progress in a discussion that alienates the participants

When our thinking is negative, our feelings and perceptions will exactly reflect those negative thoughts and feelings in that moment. If we trust those perceptions and feelings, our lives will take a turn for the worse.

THE MOOD MYTH

Isn’t “getting to the bottom of it” the best way for a couple to handle a low mood?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

It’s important for you to support your partner when he or she is feeling low

The best way to help a person in a low mood is to be understanding and overlook the effect mood has on his or her behavior

If you maintain your sense of well-being, your partner can make contact with your sense of well-being for support, much as a drowning person might reach toward someone on the shore.

If you try to reach out and pull the person to shore however, you are likely to end up in the water, too

Whatever mood a person is in is his present reality. If you try to coax him out of it, you are likely to end up in a low mood yourself

Warmth, understanding, compassion and a respectful sense of humor are the only forces that can help a person who is struggling with a low mood

Human beings constantly move up and down the mood continuum. Some mood shifts are dramatic and some are imperceptible.

The thinking that creates low feeling states often has many of the following characteristics:

1. Our mental activity—or thinking velocity—increases.

2. Our thinking gravitates to problems and dissatisfactions

3. We experience a heightened but distorted sense of immediacy. For example, we think we must do something right away about our circumstances

4. We feel self-conscious. It seems we are the center of everybody’s attention

5. We have a pessimistic outlook. We notice limitations and are blind to possibilities

6. We entertain many negative thoughts emotions and concerns

It is not the mood, the feeling state, itself, but how we relate to it that determines the quality of our life. It is our thoughts about our moods that cause us distress. We fear the moods are “real,” that they will last forever

Understanding the relationship between thought and feeling determines our level of well-being independent of our moment to moment moods.

With this understanding we become grateful when our mood is high and graceful when it is low

Understanding how our thinking is related to our feelings and perceptions allows us to calibrate to moods.

When people don’t realize they have moods, they are hoodwinked into thinking it is “reality” that is changing, not just their thoughts.

All people tend to experience high moods in the same way—they’re relaxed, energetic, in good humor, patient, carefree and compassionate.

There is a large variation, however, in how people experience low moods

Some get aggressive and belligerent when they are down. Others become quiet and distant

Moods, even low moods, provide an important function in the human experience. Moods are a navigational system. The specific feeling state we are in at a given moment tells us the quality of our thinking in that specific moment.

We know that our thinking is the cause of the feeling even though we may not know what those specific thoughts are

When people lose sight of the source of feelings, they mistakenly attribute their feelings to outside sources. They mistakenly think that our feelings inform us about the world at large

are my feelings being generated from within via thought or are they being imposed on us somehow by circumstances and events beyond our control?

The conclusion is that all feelings come from our thoughts

If life is an elevator, moods are the floors we visit. Let’s explore five floors (among an infinite number):

Gloom and Doom

My high school mates are doing so much better than I am

I’m getting old and my job is a dead end. Why is everyone always judging me?

All Is Not Right With The World

There are many villains out there

I don’t like my life. It’s not fair that I put out fifty-two percent to my wife’s forty-eight. I can see many defects in my job

I’m okay. Life’s okay

My job is good when I have the right attitude. My mate isn’t as bad as I thought

I feel contented.

1. Gratitude

People are so well meaning. There are so many great jobs

I’ve got a better deal than my mate. Life is so interesting

Inspiration

My work energizes me

There is no way to go wrong in life. My mate is my best friend. I have more ideas than I can use

If you could remember that thoughts and feelings coincide, you would be a comfort to Helen. You would also be less likely to get carried away by your work during your temporary moments of insecurity. Also, you wouldn’t take Helen’s words and actions personally when she’s in a bad mood. You’d be able to relate to what she is going through. Your heart would go out to her—not in sympathy but in compassion for what it’s like to be frightened by your own thoughts. As you begin to see past her moods, she will begin to see past them, too.

Soon, moods will just come and go without any drama or conflict

Nothing needs to be “done” about moods. They come and go on their own. The less attention we give them, the better.
When you are in a low mood, don’t make important life decisions. Your thinking is not as sound as it is in a higher state of mind.

When others are in a low state of mind, put everything they say or do in that context. Don’t hold it against them or try to argue with them.

Being understanding will help others to feel better.

As you begin to see people’s moods, you will see how to stay out of their way when they are low. You will also learn to what extent you can trust what they say and do.

Stay open to the possibility that your mood might change at any minute. Just realizing that “it is just your thinking” will usher in new thought that will change your feeling state

People generally handle emotion in one of two ways:

They indulge their emotions and ride an uncomfortable roller coaster

They run away from them and become distracted and hardened

There is a third alternative: realize that emotions are only thoughts.

enjoy emotional stability, while staying in touch with their feelings.

THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS MYTH

Don’t negative emotions have to be expressed to clear the air?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

You want to be aware that you are in a negative frame of mind.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Unpleasant or negative emotions are thoughts that contaminate the natural good feelings that exist between people. If you eliminate your negative thoughts, you will experience greater warmth and love toward your partner.

realizations that can offset negative emotions:

Negative emotions are just thoughts; they have no life of their own.

When a thought is not in your mind, it does not exist.

Negative emotions only rear their ugly heads when we are in a troubled state of mind. When we are feeling magnanimous, we experience positive thoughts.

You will see that the same event or person provokes different feelings when your state of mind changes.

You might see a car as a “clunker” if you’re in a bad mood—and a “classic” in a good one.

The easiest way to rid your mind of negative emotions is to dismiss them as you would any distracting thought.

We constantly can and do dismiss thoughts we deem extraneous and nonproductive

It is only our misguided judgment about what is extraneous and unproductive that supports the presence of negative thoughts in relationships

Human emotions are illusory

each emotion was a mirage created by the convergence of circumstance, perception and interpretation

Each emotion was understandable in context. As the interpretation changed, the emotion changed accordingly

If emotions can be set aside during emergencies, can they be set aside anytime? Sure

As you take the incident less personally, your feelings become more positive

Your emotions are always a perfect indicator of how subjectively you are viewing life.

Emotions do not provide information about the world around us. They do serve as a compass that indicates the quality of our thinking and our present capacity to make sound judgments

Emotions are like goldfish. They will grow to any size depending on how much attention they get

Negative emotion tells us our mental health is suffering, just as physical pain signals that we are abusing our bodies

A change in perspective is needed to right our thinking and regain feelings of well-being

resentments are just thoughts that can be dropped

all you’re doing is following a ritual: you give yourself permission to drop the thought as soon as you express it

Negative thoughts that sit in our minds tend to take on increased focus and importance.

They’re like a burr under a saddle that causes more irritation the longer it stays there. This increased focus and importance cause what you referred t as the “build-up” in your head.

But these thoughts don’t have a life of their own.

They gain importance and attention only because you give it to them

The importance you place on a thought is subjective. The importance you assign it determines the power that thought has over you.

In this case, you’ve given great importance to resentments

You believe resentments are more important and less “dismissible” than other thoughts.

each person’s belief system writes the script and we innocently

act it out

Don’t take negative emotions seriously

they provide information about the state of your mind, not the state of the world.
When your thinking is contaminated by negative emotions, make as few decisions and engage in as few interactions as possible. This keeps these emotions from

spilling over into your life.
When negative emotions occupy your mind, quiet your thinking until they pass.

If your heart goes out to the “wrong-doer,” you will feel compassion rather than resentment

THE COMPASSION MYTH

Isn’t there such a thing as being too understanding?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

There is such a thing as acting against your better judgment because you feel sorry for someone.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Compassion is a wonderful, warm feeling. To suggest you could have too much of it is like suggesting you could have too much joy or too

much health

unpleasant feelings distort our thinking and lead us to actions we later regret

Compassion is misunderstood and undervalued. Without compassion and understanding, interpersonal friction erodes the good feelings in a relationship.

Compassion is our innate interpersonal lubricant. It is a

blanket of warm feelings that protects us from the rough edges of personalities

Whenever people exhibit counterproductive behavior, you can be sure they are in an insecure state of mind

If they were feeling more secure, they would have the wisdom to avoid those behaviors.

When we perceive counterproductive behaviors in others

our response is either resentment or compassion.

We feel resentful if we focus on the behavior and how it affects us. We are compassionate if we look beyond the behavior to the troubled state of mind that motivated it

We remember how this state of mind wreaks

havoc with our common sense. Our hearts go out to the person

Compassion also protects us against harsh self-judgment. We gain tolerance of our own imperfections. When we feel compassion we can identify with the humanness of life’s

predicaments

We are reminded of how we all occasionally get lost in our thoughts and lose our perspective. Our feelings of humanity are rejuvenated and our spirits rise. The other person gains hope because our spirits have risen from contact with him or her.

Thus, compassion helps the troubled person as much as it protects you. Warm, respectful, hopeful feelings are the best gift you can give a person in distress. Compassion provides the proper emotional environment for the person to recover his or her sense of

security. Compassion always delivers an “I understand” message.

When another person appears to be imposing on us, we are at a crossroads. One fork in the road takes us to resentment, and the other to compassion. Which road we take depends on whether we think of ourselves or the other person

The following illustrates one

person’s experience of the two forks in the road.

Compassion insulated the father from the annoyance of the crying sounds

there is nothing more impractical in life than resentment. Compassionate feelings protect us.

Resentment

and hate obstruct our view of life and impair our objectivity

Compassion protects us from reacting unproductively to the behavior of others. It calms us down and makes us feel more secure

To feel resentment, you look for malice and notice how incidents affect you. To feel

compassion you notice the pain that motivated negative behavior

people relax and perform better in the presence of a supportive person than they do under the watchful eye of a perfectionist.

Human connectedness comes in two forms: sympathy and compassion

When we

sympathize, we identify with another person’s specific plight

We relate it to a similar event that happened to us and re-experience all the same emotions

When we are compassionate, however, we connect with the general human feeling of the other person

feelings of identity and understanding allow us to be appropriately

patient with the frailties of others (and ourselves

sympathy forces us to re-experience painful memories. Compassion, on the other

hand, is a here-and-now recognition of the true nature of life—that we all get crunched by our thought systems sometimes

chart below summarizes the differences between these two types of human connectedness:

SYMPATHY

COMPASSION

Accompanying Feeling:

Sadness

Warmth

What You Identify With:

The Specific Problem

The Impersonal Fact of Pain and Loss in Life

How You Feel Afterwards:

Drained

Exhilarated

How They Feel Afterwards:

Concerned

Expanded and Strengthened

Between the extremes of compassion and anger/resentment, there exists a wide range of

responses

TAKING IT PERSONALLY

You read malice into the situation. You feel outraged and vengeful.

UPSET

Behavior is seen as intentional. You feel angry and upset

BOTHERED

Behavior is seen as negligent and unacceptable. You feel irritated and annoyed

ACCEPTING

Behavior looks innocent. You find the incident interesting

UNDERSTANDING

You see the insecurity behind the behavior. Your heart goes out to him. You feel warmth, compassion

AMUSED

We all have our moments.” You see the big picture and enjoy it.

Remember that compassion helps you

and others.

Believe that every person deserves to be understood. There is probably someone who would list you as an exception to this rule just as you may be tempted to list others.

To find compassion, look beyond the behavior to the troubled state of mind that motivated the behavior

DISSATISFACTION

A MENTAL ILLNESS

A focus on dissatisfactions creates a negative tone that undermines and weakens a relationship.

THE DISSATISFACTION MYTH

Won’t resentments build in a relationship unless annoying behaviors and dissatisfactions are brought up?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

A relationship does need a self-correction mechanism.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

has your heart been in the right place? Deep down, have you tried your best to do right by that person?

people easily see their own good intentions but have difficulty seeing the good intentions of others

In order for a relationship to work, an attitude of trust must be present

We all must live as if our partners have our interests at heart

When the emotional atmosphere of the relationship is cold and negative, the participants back into a protective shell of ego. They begin to look out for themselves. The

deeper they retreat, the less motivated they are to look out for the other person

When a couple is relaxed and happy together they naturally look out for each other’s interests. The goodwill they feel motivates them to please each other, and their relaxed state of

mind enables them to see themselves objectively and implement self-correction

A mind-set is a rigid, limited way of seeing life, an automatic predisposition. A mind-set is like a pair of sunglasses: it colors the way life looks to you.

They are self-validating. For example, suspicious people look for signs of betrayal and find it everywhere. They unwittingly interpret innocent actions as deceitful and detect deceitful actions

where none exist

They are externally validating. Have you ever had a perfectionist looking over your shoulder? Perfectionists tend to make you nervous. You make more mistakes than usual. Perfectionists note these mistakes

of course, and the cycle continues

They lock you into an uncomfortable, but familiar, feeling state

A suspicious person lives in feelings of mistrust. A perfectionist lives in feelings of irritation. These feeling states are so familiar it is hard to imagine

any other experience. Fortunately, all mind-sets provide an uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling. If we mistrust that feeling, we expose the mind-set for what it is.

Anything we spend a lot of time thinking about will become a mind-set

expressing negative sentiments erodes goodwill

if you don’t take your dissatisfaction and criticism too seriously, you will never develop a critical-dissatisfied outlook

Remember, despite appearances to the contrary, your partner wants to be a good mate or friend just as much as you do

Problems in your relationship signal that warmth and affinity are low. Realize that you have probably fallen into a lower state of mind where your sense of perspective is severely compromised

Know that appreciation and trust are

possibilities just as real as problems

Benign neglect—intentionally overlooking a thought—will often have positive effects on a relationship. Once you drop your ill will, your mate will feel more secure and will be likely to correct the conditions that

concern you. Benign neglect can free your mate from the pressure your dissatisfaction places on his or her ego

If you feel compelled to comment on another person’s behavior, wait until you have a positive attitude and feelings of

warmth and respect toward that person

Remember that discretion is the better part of valor. Unless there is at least a ninety percent chance that your talking to the person will improve matters, don’t try it. If your action is unlikely to help, it

makes little sense to add more ill will to the relationship.

Approach the person as gently as possible to minimize the likelihood of defensiveness

The only way we can really change is to change the way we feel inside. Our thinking changes our outlook, and our behavior

follows suit

THE CHANGE MYTH

Isn’t it true that people can’t change?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

People find it difficult to change their behavior patterns at will.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

People change by becoming more themselves and less their conditioning

When a person gets insecure, he retreats to his conditioned personality, a coat of armor made of bad habits

and pretenses

The way to facilitate change is to treat people with understanding and goodwill

Goodwill quells insecurity

It invites people to

drop their armor and be themselves. When the armor goes, people regain the innate assets of wisdom, creativity, humor and compassion—assets that increase productivity and responsiveness in life.

stages of personal change:

OBLIVIOUS

JUSTIFYING

COMPULSIVE AWARENESS

In the compulsive awareness stage, you should pay as little

attention as possible to what you see. Seeing what you are doing in life is good. It prompts you to change. But reacting emotionally to what you see is not helpful. Any feelings of guilt, any willful attempts to change or analyze your behavior are misguided

It’s sufficient for you to

see you have counterproductive habits that disappear when you notice them.

CHANGE

those who have accepted their mates have low motivation to change them and those who haven’t don’t have the right attitude to do so.

feelings of happiness and goodwill inside him, feelings that make life worthwhile. I told him thoughts of insecurity preempt these positive feelings. I said that people do counterproductive things only when they lose

their sense of well-being. These negative behaviors make sense in context because they offer temporary relief from the bad feelings

The feelings are just thoughts. When we are insecure or frightened, we all tend to act counterproductively. Once our thinking calms down, the good feelings return.

once a person

has a moment of truth, he or she is never the same.

He looks at his early years of crime as one would look at a bad dream—with

bewilderment and relief.

THE DOMINO EFFECT

Change is a domino effect: a thought generates a feeling that, in turn, motivates a

behavior

Clearly, the way to change a behavior is to change the feeling that motivates the behavior—the first domino. You do this by changing your thoughts

As our level of well-being goes up we are increasingly insulated from the temptation of habits. Conversely, when we are insecure, habits seem to have a strong hold on us.

OBSESSED

In a very low mood. We lunge into habitual behaviors without seeing the thoughts that precede them

COMPELLED

In a low mood. The thought of the habit is constantly on our minds. It seems irresistible to us. Our willpower has an uphill battle

AT CHOICE

In a higher mood. The two thoughts—“to do” or “not to do”—carry equal weight. Willpower works at this level

TEMPTED

In a high mood. The thought of the habit comes to mind occasionally. We can easily dismiss it knowing it is just a thought with no life of its

own.

FREEDOM

In a very high mood. The idea of the habit doesn’t even occur to us. This is the level where

effortless change occurs

The best way to change a habit is to raise your level of well-being—become happier. When you are happier, all your habits are easier to resist. If you raise your level of security enough, the habits won’t even occur to you

It is a mistake to struggle with your habits. In doing so you are likely to wear yourself out, become discouraged and end up making yourself insecure.

fear is misunderstood excitement. When we contemplate change, we get a bubble of energy. If we are in a state of well-being, we will feel

exhilarated by that energy. If we are insecure, we will get frightened. Thus, our reaction to change is another clue to our state of mind

With real change, we don’t make it happen. Instead, we notice it after it has happened. This change happens because it doesn’t occur to us to act in the old way.
The internal factors—what we think, how we feel—are forces behind change. If you

try to change at the level of behavior, you are trying to make the tail wag the dog.

People respond to our demeanor. We either bring out the best in people or we bring out the worst

THE PUNISHMENT MYTH

Isn’t it true that punishment and pressure are necessary to deal with a person who stubbornly repeats counterproductive behaviors?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

People struggling with habitual behaviors need some type of support

THE CHANGE OF HEART

again. You are upset and embarrassed. You have been in this unpleasant situation before. You wonder why you always

end up like this. You don’t feel secure enough to admit you are troubled. You are even less likely to admit that you might have contributed to the problem. The people around you are upset with your behavior. What type of treatment do you want from others right now—humiliation

punishment, criticism, anger or pressure

Probably not. Understanding and restored faith in you probably would be your first two choices. Those are the attitudes that bring out the best in you, too.

Pressure and punishment worsen

counterproductive behavior

People with destructive habits are feeling insecure. What they need is understanding and support that will help them regain their bearings. Even behaviorists say punishment will not change the person; at best it will only change the

person’s behavior

Self-esteem, confidence, wisdom and understanding are what allow people to drop destructive habits and make sound decisions in life. All of these qualities are brought out by goodwill, not by pressure and humiliation.

your state of mind alters the behavior of people around you. The way people act around you depends on which of the following two

interaction cycles is triggered by your state of mind.

When approached with goodwill, people listen more openly and respond more cooperatively

Even when an issue is sensitive or negative, a positive internal feeling leads to a productive discussion

The goodwill of each party brings out the goodwill in the other parties to create a positive rapport cycle

On the other hand, if you are feeling irritated at someone, you will find yourself in a negative frame of mind and your interactions

with people are likely to be unrewarding.

When you are in a chip-on-the-shoulder state of mind, you think in terms of pressure and intimidation. Pressure and intimidation insult people and set up a battle of egos

when

you interact from feelings of irritation or anger you tend to bring out the worst in people, creating an ill will cycle.

Diagramed below are the ill will cycle and the positive rapport cycle

It is easy to see why people locked in an ill will cycle experience frustration and complain that people are difficult. When a person feels ill will, he or she is living in a world of active egos and rigid personalities, with scant opportunities for progress and

learning

When a person feels warm and respectful, the above dynamic occurs. He brings out the best in others who know his heart is in the right place. They listen openly, egos at rest, and return respect and warmth by putting themselves out for that person.

Progress and

learning are built into this dynamic. The positive rapport cycle maximizes teamwork and minimizes interpersonal friction.

A CHANGE OF HEART—THE VEHICLE FOR INSTANT CHANGE

Human beings have a miraculous ability: we can change our minds. We all can shift from a negative, judgmental perspective to a positive outlook without any change in circumstances. For lack of a better name, let’s call this phenomenon a change of heart

A change of

heart has the following characteristics:

It takes a person from a negative, evaluative stance to an appreciative stance.

It creates such a complete change in perspective that the person has trouble relating to the way he saw things only minutes earlier.

It can happen any time, without warning. People are often surprised by it

A change of heart is preceded by a moment of truth

The following chart shows how different the same thing looks before and after a change of heart.

The change in perception provides us with a change in feeling

Before a change of

heart, our view is critical and our feelings are therefore negative. After a change of heart, our view is appreciative and we feel grateful. Simultaneously, the nicer feelings generate more positive perceptions, thus creating a positive spiral.

Before a Change of Heart

After a Change of Heart

Bob is a difficult person.

Bob is a “character.”

Life is turbulent.

Life is eventful.

That person is annoying.

That person is endearing

Our house is old.

Our house has character.

our old thinking drops away and we can take a fresh look at our circumstances

All that is needed for a change of heart is a momentary quiet mind. The man in this story moved from a negative to a positive state of mind without the slightest change in circumstances

Positive feelings are so basic to our nature that they fill our minds whenever

there is the slightest amount of room

Change of heart is the mechanism for saving and improving relationships

If we interact when we feel insecure, our insecurity creates distortions

misinterpretations and misunderstandings

If you are in a state of angry indignation, others will fight you tooth and nail.

If you are in a state of annoyance and irritation, others will drag their feet.
If you are in a state of contentment, others will join you.
If you are in a state of appreciation, others
will put themselves out for you.
If you are in a state of deep gratitude, others will pull out all the stops to help you.

As your level of goodwill rises, people

become ever more cooperative

I know this may sound simplistic to you, but people don’t respond well to an

adversarial stance. They take offense, as your son has done, and become very stubborn. It humiliates people to be punished and chastised.

I mean that you don’t have a feeling of goodwill toward your son. You’re not on his side right now.

chicken-egg dilemma. You and your son are in a vicious cycle. You’re bringing out the worst in each other. Does that make sense?

Your reactions to each other have polarized your behaviors. Believe me, it’s very common for people to move toward behavioral extremes when egos get involved.

you have to get out of an adversarial stance and get your heart in the right place. If you continue your battle with your son, he’ll just dig in

further. The ego is amazingly persistent. People will bite off their noses to spite their faces if they’re committed to a battle of wills. I’m sure your son would rather count you as friends than as enemies.

Don’t judge him too harshly. Remember that all of your behaviors have been exaggerated. Think for a moment. Wouldn’t you like to start all over as friends and work it out together?

Absolutely. A relationship can always get a fresh start. Kids are particularly good at forgiving and forgetting. What about you, Martha?

all you have to do is forgive and forget all the crazy things that have been said and done. Pretend it’s all a bad dream.

Notice your inner feeling, your state of

mind, before you deliver a sensitive message. If you have a chip on your shoulder, get your heart in the right place. Look inside to find more understanding and compassion. Remember that everyone deserves to be seen in the most

favorable light. When your heart is back in the right place, you will bring out the best in others.
When you notice defensiveness in a listener, stop, wait and approach that person again with more gentleness and

goodwill. That person will likely respond in kind.

DON’T DEAL WITH PROBLEMS

TRANSCEND THEM

When I tell clients not to work on problems they look incredulous, as if I am telling them not to eat or drink. That’s because everyone assumes that the only way to solve problems is to work on them.

Ironically, a focus on problems is the

number one relationship killer. It lowers your spirits and makes things look worse than they really are.

There is a way to get where you want to go without focusing on problems. This way is so natural and effortless it doesn’t look like you’re

doing anything.

THE PROBLEMS MYTH

Isn’t it best to deal with problems by discussing them up front whenever they bother one partner?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

A relationship needs a way to evolve and find solutions to the issues at hand.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Problems” don’t really exist. They are mirages that appear to exist when certain conditions are present, such as an insecure state of mind. Problems are nothing more than situations seen through a filter of insecurity.

SITUATION + INSECURE MIND-SET

= THE ILLUSION OF A “PROBLEM”

If you have a sore on your arm, the last

thing you should do is poke at it. Your doctor would treat the wound gently, creating the best possible healing environment. So-called relationship problems should be treated the same way

The thoughts around these issues trigger emotional reactions. If we are not

careful, we will spend our time dealing with these emotional reactions instead of the issue. To treat an emotional sore spot, we should create a secure environment where the problem area can heal.

Often there are many solutions. These solutions are usually obvious to the dispassionate observer, but we cannot see them when our minds are clouded by emotional reactions.

There are two basic human thought models: the problem mode and the solution mode

The problem mode

people analyze, rehash, defend their positions and attempt to convert others to their viewpoint

they achieve a compromise “solution” that none of the parties really likes.

The solution mode

We clear our minds instead of filling them with details. We reflect, look and listen.

Suddenly

out of nowhere, we get an insight

they end up feeling close, and they always reach a consensus

Faith is what keeps us in the solution mode—faith that there

are perfect solutions to our problems and that those solutions will be visible once we calm down and take a fresh look.

How You See It

How You Will Feel

Catastrophe

Depressed

Problem

Stressed Out

Situation

Interested

Opportunity

Grateful

Windfall

Exhilarated

The possibilities and limitations you notice are a good gauge for your state of mind. If you see lots of possibilities, your head’s in a good place. If your head is full of limitations, you are in trouble. Push escape, reset or whatever else

will clear your mind. Possibilities will enter your head when you regain your sense of perspective.

When you

hold distracting thoughts like doubts and alternatives in your mind, you can’t put your full attention on what you are doing

That would be a good definition of commitment: dismissing doubts and

alternatives in the name of enjoying your project or relationship more.

There always comes a time when an issue becomes easy to talk about. Every situation gets “ripe.”

When you think or talk about an issue and your feeling of well-being drops, you should back away from it. A low mood will handicap your thinking and increase your susceptibility to emotional reactions.

There is an obvious answer to every

problem. Being too close to the problem is the reason these solutions are not apparent. That’s why consultants can instantly see solutions to problems that clients have struggled with for years.

A problem does not look like a problem

when it is seen in the right light. It looks like a portrait of circumstances, or even an opportunity.

THE CONFLICT MYTH

Isn’t some amount of fighting or arguing always part of a healthy relationship?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

We might entertain occasional antagonistic or

judgmental thoughts about our mates.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Antagonistic thought need not be acted out through arguing or fighting. When negative

thoughts are taken in stride, they will not affect the relationship adversely.

Understanding resides midway between thought and action. When we understand that thoughts have no power without our will, we can easily keep them from dictating actions. The progression from

thought to behavior is a function of our level of understanding. In marital disputes the progression is usually as follows

Depending on your state of mind, your reaction to “conflicting” viewpoints can range from horror to delight. You may be:

Horrified at the ignorance and stubbornness of others
Fearful that other people might impose their misguided views on you
Bothered that others don’t see the truth
Irritated that others have different viewpoints
Interested in the fact that we are all different
Grateful that we can learn from each other
Amused
Delighted

HOW PEOPLE DEAL WITH OPPOSING VIEWS—THE OPTIONS AND THE RESULTS

BLOCK AND CENSURE THE OTHER

PERSON’S OPINION

censorship often leads to an underground resistance that can become formidable. When parents use this strategy with their children, the children may run from home or create a “secret life.

STRONGLY OPPOSE

You allow the person to express his or her differing opinion, but you attack it with all your forces.

Your strategy is to put up so much resistance that the person will choose to keep his opinions to himself. In a marriage, a partner

employs this strategy by putting down the spouse whenever a view is expressed

ARGUE

The intent of this strategy is to change the other person’s view

The assumption is that if you could show the other person the logic that supports your view, he or she would drop the faulty view and adopt yours. The problem is

the other person also has a logic, which supports his or her view as strongly as your logic supports yours

Arguing polarizes viewpoints. Often you end up supporting a position you don’t even agree with just for the sake of being “right.” Egos do not allow us

discuss things constructively

ACCEPT OR ALLOW FOR DIFFERING VIEWS

Using this strategy, you simply accept that we

all have different realities, without judging or assessing, just as you accept certain laws of physics such as gravity

allows the other person to express his or her view without opposition

Stated views tend to evolve. When you get a clear view of your opinion, you will

usually improve upon it

Expressing the ideas in a friendly forum lets people examine what they think and learn from the process. If the environment is adversarial rather than receptive, the person is defensive, unable to learn and ever more rigid in that view

WELCOME AND RESPECT DIFFERING VIEWS (“CULTURAL EXCHANGE”)

The most productive strategy in communicating is to learn from other views

There is always a grain of truth in every view that opposes yours

The difference between accepting and welcoming differing views is measured in the amount of respect

accorded to others’ opinions. The more respect the better the response

Others make that extra effort to express themselves. They become better listeners. The rapport that results from this strategy creates a high level of intimacy

When you feel compelled to argue, you

know you are momentarily insecure

All belief systems are self-validating and inclusive enough to provide an answer for every argument

The quality of your teamwork as parents depends on how you respond to differences of opinion

If you respond well to them, different points of view are not a problem. If you respond counterproductively, then differences of

opinion lead to conflict and stress.

look at the truth in what Karen is saying rather than what you disagree with. Karen understands children need some limits

some structure to guide them

Just listen and you’ll get some respect for her thinking. You might even be able to learn from each other.

Karen understands that children need guidance and firmness. She reacts to you when you give in to the children in a moment of weakness. She thinks this

creates a bad model for them.

I know I shouldn’t go overboard to please them like I sometimes do, but I’m reacting to Karen’s rigidity. I also know it doesn’t work to base my treatment

of the kids on my reactions to Karen

I’ll have to admit I’m too harsh and overbearing sometimes, Gerry. I respect that you’re more patient and more forgiving.

You are beginning to get respect for each other and to examine your positions. Can you see how the discussion is progressing with the stance you’re taking now?

Each of you has a tremendous amount to contribute to your parenting relationship. Karen, you are grounded in setting limits and teaching the children responsibility. Gerry, you are grounded in

the realization that whatever is done with the children should be done with the right spirit. If you respect each other more you can learn from each other.

appreciate that he insists on things being nice for the kids. I was brought up in a family that was pretty grim and serious. One thing that attracted me to Gerry was his commitment to happy endings. I realize how I had begun to take that for granted

have tried to make him more hard-nosed instead of learning to be more flexible myself.

Gerry. Could you talk to us about dealing with specific subjects, like chores? Should we require the children to do chores?

Chores help a child learn responsibility and contribute to the family. Chores must be administered in the right spirit, though, or they lower the child’s self-esteem and foster a bad attitude about responsibility.

If you listen for what you disagree with, you’ll hear the personal belief component and end up arguing. If you listen for the truth in what the other person says, you’ll hear the

common sense component and learn from the interaction.

Let’s each make a list of what we think each kid should do. Then we will go over it and see if we think they can do each thing. We will make sure we are not giving them too much.

Realize that arguing and fighting are not productive. The insecurity in a conflict environment minimizes learning.

See different viewpoints as an opportunity to understand each other better.

Listen for the truth in what the other person is saying when there is a difference of opinion. The other person will find it easier to communicate in a non

adversarial atmosphere. You will find yourself learning from each other.

THE STALE MARRIAGE MYTH

Don’t most marriages eventually “grow stale?”

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

If relationships don’t evolve and deepen, they do tend to get stale.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

As marriages evolve, they quiet down. They get deeper rather than more stimulating. More stimulating, is like a back scratch. Deeper is like

a back massage

Deeper is more satisfying but less dramatic. It seldom occurs to people that the reason they seek so much excitement is that excitement is not very satisfying

A couple’s sex life reflects this principle during the first two years of marriage. At first

sex is the major source of intimacy in marriage. As the relationship evolves, intimacy comes more from sharing and companionship than from sex

These more subtle forms of intimacy are also more profound. An “I love you” over the phone, or a moment of silence together after

the kids are in bed, can leave one with a warm feeling for hours. Intimacy becomes more than an experience limited to the bedroom

Couples who don’t appreciate what deepening is become concerned when their relationship quiets down. They think

something’s wrong

They worry they aren’t as sexually active and don’t pursue excitement as much. This concern creates unrest in their minds and, thus, in the relationship

Unrest lowers the intimacy level. Now, they have neither excitement nor intimacy.

They need to see that as a marriage quiets down it becomes more fulfilling. The partners feel more relaxed—more themselves—in each other’s company, dropping even the most subtle pretenses. They become more open to life and to each other

enjoyment with less effort. They become more appreciative. When it is time to be out in the world, they are more rested and refreshed. When a couple acquires a taste for contentment, they truly appreciate the deepening feelings in their marriage

LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP

CONFLICT LEVEL

Both parties are poisoned by anger and insulted by the treatment they are receiving

They also feel insecure and off-balance, which brings out their worst. There may even be physical fighting and the relationship may feel raw and numb. Communication is difficult and usually makes things worse. A jump in the level of understanding brings hope, patience and

temporary peace

COPING LEVEL

The good news at this level is that the fights can be kept under control. The bad news

maintaining control is a full-time job. The relationship feels unpleasant and strained, burdened by judgments and expectations. Surprisingly, feelings of superiority and guilt often occur simultaneously. Partners find themselves worn out from the constant

demands of “handling” the relationship. Communications are strained and warm feelings are scarce. A jump in the level of understanding helps develop compassion and goodwill.

COOPERATION LEVEL

Planning, coordination and compatibility are achievable at this level because goodwill is present. Both parties trust the good intentions of the other and view counterproductive behavior as innocent and fueled by insecurity

They give each other the benefit of the doubt. Where incompatibility and lack of alignment exist, good communication and mutual support fill the gap. A jump in the level of understanding here provides greater faith and trust

SYNERGY LEVEL

Problems, stresses and incompatibilities don’t even appear at this level. Individual differences are buffered by feelings of appreciation, respect and gratitude

Being together energizes the parties. They talk less and share more positive

feelings. This level brings out the best in everybody. A jump in the level of understanding brings even deeper feelings.

SOUL MATES

You carry the other person in your heart at this level. The couple feels strong kinship and intimacy—as friends, lovers, working partners or family. They want to spend as much time together as possible. Their shared moments have a timeless quality—a little bit goes a long

way. A jump in the level of understanding leads to even more depth of feeling.

stop trying to analyze and “work on” the relationship and concentrate on enjoying each other

If we learn to take leaps of faith we don’t have to fight change until we understand it

Respect familiarity and comfort in a

relationship.
Take the transitional periods in stride. During these periods, the relationship may seem old because the new experience of the relationship has not yet emerged. Those periods are a sign that a

deeper, more satisfying way of relating is on the way.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

TO GET A FRESH START

it hurts to be upset and to bear grudges. Anger and resentment are painful feelings. Why would it be smart to try to feel this way?

self-inflicted

emotional pain, resentments and grudges are just bad habits that make things worse by adding more insecurity to a situation

Forgiving and forgetting are the answer

THE MYTH OF “THE PAST

Doesn’t the past doom some relationships? Isn’t there such a thing as “too much water under the bridge?”

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

Some couples get so discouraged by their painful memories that they give up.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

When a relationship has been troubled for a long time, the partners usually have accumulated painful memories that overshadow their feeling of love. When the feeling of love is obscured, they begin to view each other in a negative light that creates more unpleasant

memories

This in turn lowers the

feeling level, which darkens their outlook further.

This downward spiral continually lowers the level of goodwill between the partners

For the marriage to be “saved,” the spiral must be reversed. This is always possible. There is no such thing as a point of no return in a

relationship. Relationships can always get a fresh start.

The cycle is reversed when partners empty the pool of painful memories from their minds. When the painful thoughts are gone, they will be replaced by warm, positive thoughts and

feelings that lay the foundation for a fresh start. Forgiveness sets this process in motion.

Forgiving results from clearing unwanted thoughts from our minds. We forgive when we use our power of understanding to strip these thoughts of their negative charge

Once a

memory is forgiven, it is easily forgotten

Forgiving and forgetting don’t have to be learned or practiced; these skills are innate

If people can

forget the past in emergencies, they have the power to forgive and forget at will.

People think of forgiveness as a generous act, but it is actually very self-serving. If you have painful memories, you suffer

Forgiveness is the act of seeing those thoughts with understanding. Understanding lets us see the humanity of others and cast offending events in a more positive light. Understanding depersonalizes the event, transferring it from the “this is what happens to me” category to

just another example of what happens in life.

When couples decide to forgive and forget, they relieve themselves of a tremendous amount of pain and begin a new life with new thoughts, new feelings, new possibilities and a new perspective on the past

A fresh start also

leaves couples feeling warm and close. Partners look nicer, more well-meaning to each other

habitual thoughts about their mates are ruining their fun in life and dominating their thinking

People

act out their insecurity by engaging in counterproductive behaviors

Others return tit for tat.

Neither person’s behavior represents the way he would act if he approached the situation with wisdom. When you see the distortion in your behavior, you’ll notice the other person’s behavior is also distorted—it may not represent his deeper

intentions. Now both partners have reached a position of humility.

What the couple needs now is compassion. They need to see the innocence in each other’s behavior, even in the act that launched the downward spiral of reactions

every misguided action is accompanied by an insecure state of mind

If you look into the miscreant’s eyes instead of at

his behavior, you will always see these negative feelings

If he had a sense of well-being, he would have the wisdom to see his actions as counterproductive.

They will see themselves as unwitting players in a comedy of errors, and they will see their history in the light of understanding. They will feel warm toward each other.

The past is no more real than a dream. Once an event is over, it becomes a mere memory. The past has only as much power as you give it through your thoughts

think of the event as a plus. Your inspired state of mind generates insight that helps your life even more. In retrospect it seems you “lucked out.”

take ourselves and our thoughts less seriously

See the possibility of forgiving and forgetting

See how essential it is to your mental health to drop painful thoughts from your consciousness

Find the humility to see that you are both in this together.

See the innocence you both possess.
Remember that any relationship can get a fresh start today. That exhilarating feeling is always only a thought away!

THE INTIMACY MYTH

Doesn’t intimacy require a large investment

of time, talk and energy?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

When couples don’t know where intimacy comes from, they have to exert lots of energy to

get a little intimacy

spend a few moments together with a high level of presence.

If you were more there in the moment, your presence would help to draw Ron out of his distractions. There is nothing like a strong human presence to draw a person into the moment.

levels of involvement as they apply to intimacy:

OBLIVIOUS

You are so absorbed in your thoughts you

hardly notice the other person. He or she may feel insulted or awkward about your neglect.

DISTRACTED

At this level, your thoughts draw you away

from contact with the other person. It is an effort to be fully present. The experience is unpleasant because it takes so much effort. The other person accuses you of not listening. You feel stressed and dissatisfied.

PRESENT

It is easy and satisfying for you to feel present with the other person. You are warmed by the contact. People say you are nice to talk to.

IMPACT

The feeling at this level is very strong. You are touched by the people you are with. Your mind is so free of distraction, you lose your sense of time. The experience is very rich. The person with you feels some chemistry with you

Your

intimacy automatically deepens over time.

ONE MIND

Your mind is so free you understand each other with very little conversation. You feel so

close to each other you would swear you have known each other longer than you actually have. This level just seems to happen and when it does, it is memorable.

IN A NUTSHELL

Realize that any extraneous thoughts we have on our minds detract from our closeness to others.

Begin to appreciate feelings of closeness.

Remember that intimacy is a momentary experience that has nothing to do with time or conditions

COMMITMENT

The more engaged we are, the larger our capacity for commitment.

Full involvement works out best for all parties. What limits our level of mental

involvement is insecurity. When we indulge concerns, fears and doubts, we are too distracted to be fully involved. We are holding back.

commitment is very self-serving

Commitment can be defined as a wholehearted, single-minded predisposition to

a person or activity

People make a commitment in order to enjoy someone or something, not because they already enjoy someone or something

Distraction and ambivalence tell you your commitment is weak. Commitment is a stance

toward life, a predisposition to get the most out of each experience by dismissing thoughts and reactions that detract from its value.

Commitment to other people means seeing each person in the best possible light. To do this, we dismiss personal emotional reactions

that might lessen enjoyment of others.

The ultimate interpersonal commitment is to forgive and forget any residual thoughts that interfere with affinity and respect. Our special commitment to our mates requires us to dismiss adverse circumstances and emotional

reactions

The benefit you get from commitment is peace of mind on both sides. Your partner

benefits from knowing you are committed to maintain respect and affinity. He need not fear that circumstance and personal reactions will hurt the relationship.

Commitment prepares the mind for full involvement and guards against distractions.

Putting your whole heart into a relationship is the only way to get maximum value from it

my focus on shortcomings and problems was souring my perspective and compromising the experience

Consumed by problems and fearful thoughts, you are too preoccupied to notice, never mind enjoy, what’s going on around you.

The problem is, you are taking your thoughts so seriously that you are lowering your well-being. As your level of well-being drops, you entertain more negative thoughts, and the downward cycle continues.

INDULGING YOUR CONCERNS

Fears, doubts and concerns are like flies that keep you from enjoying a picnic. Negative thoughts contaminate relationships

Your

concerns and fears will dominate your experience if you are too insecure to dismiss them.

FREE TO ENJOY

JUMP IN WITH BOTH FEET

You refuse to indulge in insecure thoughts that would keep you from enjoying the other person. You dismiss any negative thoughts. As a result, your involvement level is high enough to set a spiral of closeness in motion: you get more relaxed so that you feel closer, so that

you enjoy the other person more, so that you get relaxed and so on.

SWEPT AWAY

The feelings of love and gratitude are so strong you think you have found “the one.” This level evolves naturally from the “jump in with both feet” level.

People in love see the beauty in life. Call

A couple with a warm affinity bring out the best in each other. They treat each other like royalty and respond eagerly

Feelings

of security subdue their egos and disruptive personality traits

A positive emotional climate elicits creativity and wisdom. A positive relationship makes geniuses and heroes out of ordinary people

Warm feelings in a relationship foster good teamwork. The better the feeling, the more productive the partners are

together. “Synergy” is an advanced level of teamwork that allows partners to work as one. Working at a synergy level is effortless, efficient and invigorating

Couples with a high level of goodwill are insulated from adversity

Adversity brings

them closer together and strengthens their bond. Goodwill makes it easy for them to correct mistakes in the relationship. They trust each other. When negative experiences occur, partners are grateful that negative experiences are an

exception to them

our feelings come directly and exclusively from our thoughts. Any feelings we have in any given moment will always reflect our thinking in that

moment

the sole contributor

THE PRINCIPLES

The Principle of Thought is that every

person on earth has the power to create ideas, images, perceptions and memories within our own minds.

The Principle of Consciousness is our ability to form feelings from our thoughts. All of our feelings come from our thoughts

The Principle of Mind explains that we are part of a larger, intelligent system. As part of this larger system, we can experience the power of new thought and, therefore, new experiences.

thought is transient. Our thoughts are constantly changing. Even the same memory or idea will look different to us at different times of the day. Because of the ever-changing nature of our

thinking, we can characterize thought as being illusory rather than fixed and solid.

Thoughts come and go uneventfully through our minds if we let them do so. When we fixate on a thought, it stays in our mind. Thoughts stick around according to how much

importance we place on them

Chronic unwanted thoughts, and their respective feelings, are innocently held in place if we believe them to belong to external realities rather than being temporary and unimportant

If you enjoy your partner and think she’s

wonderful, then that is what your thoughts are telling you. If you see beauty and goodness in your partner, then that is what your thoughts are telling you. It’s no less your thoughts when you see faults and ugliness in your partner

do you think that thoughts rooted in shallow, trivial observations are your truest reality? Or is your truest reality those thoughts you have that are

rooted in something deep, sincere and fundamental?

THE GET OVER YOURSELF MODEL

By requiring your partner to be in charge of your emotional state, you are not only giving them an immense, impossible job, but also

disregarding your own power over your thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions

You don’t have to spend time looking for your own sensitivities and avoiding your partner’s sensitivities. You can accept that

getting upset, or moody, or resentful is a part of the natural ups and downs of life and doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong

Rather than holding on to upsetting feelings, you can spend your time enjoying your partner’s company and relaxing into the

relationship

When you do get into an emotional reaction, it helps to notice that you have lost your bearings and that any unwanted feelings you are having are temporary. You can remind yourself that it is realistic and beneficial for you

to get over your unwanted thoughts and feelings. Nothing wrong or bad is happening; it’s just a natural part of being human

You’ll find that the ‘Get Over Yourself Model’ has a learning curve. You will get better and better at getting over your emotional

reactions and returning to the well-being you had before the reactions occurred. You will also find that your emotional reactions will happen less frequently, for a shorter period of time and, most importantly, that they will take less of a toll on you when they do happen

will become more resilient

I see getting over myself as not only beneficial to me, but in the service of the relationship. It isn’t so much giving in, as it is not letting your mind get bogged down with negativity and emotional reactions

When you feel better, you will have better ideas, better solutions and better answers

you can get over your emotional reactions, even mid-argument

you will probably notice that sometimes you don’t react emotionally according to your usual

patterns. There are exceptions. You may also notice that sometimes you react stronger than you do other times. Thus, your suggestion that there is a direct cause-and-effect is not true. It is just a statistical correlation.

adopt another model:

I won’t hold you responsible for my reactions. I’ll just get over my reactions, and you get over yours

PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS

HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPEN

GOOD LISTENING

THE OVERLOOKED RELATIONSHIP SKILL

Were you able to hear something new in what was being said?” I

Good listening keeps partners interested in each other.

actually curious to hear what he had to say. I didn’t assume why he said the things he did

and I asked questions to find out what he meant when I was confused.

LISTENING TO KEEP THINGS INTERESTING

couples

who have recently fallen in love are often the most curious about how their partners see the world. They frequently ask the question, “Why do you feel that way?”, or say, “Tell me more about that.” The curiosity and interest is what keeps the relationship fresh and interesting

Couples commonly revert to the ‘bad listener model’ when they talk to each other. They project their own thinking on each other and don’t even notice that they are doing it. They just fill in the blanks and assume the other person thinks the way they would think under

those circumstances. If they do this often, they lose curiosity for the unique ways their partner actually sees the world

When a couple sees listening as an opportunity to get into another person’s world

there is more clarity in the relationship, fewer misunderstandings and more interest and excitement between partners. It feels nice to be heard, but it can feel just as nice to listen

Perhaps one of the most effective tests for if you are a good listener is if you feel compassion for the person you are listening to

Compassion is when your heart goes out to the speaker.

Having compassion proves that you are taking in what someone is saying and that you are allowing it to affect you

compassion

is healing. It erases what ‘has been’.

If what ‘has been’ is a fight or a heated argument, compassion erases the hurt and anger. If what ‘has been’ is resentment from a misunderstanding, compassion erases it. Compassion is a cure for grudges. Compassion

is a powerful feeling, and it helps relationships move in a positive direction. And it comes quite naturally when people truly listen to each other.

CAN YOU BE HAPPY WITH ANYONE?

turn their attention away from each other’s frailties and instead focus on the goodness and humanity that is in each of them

you desire to have a good relationship with your

partner, and therefore you already desire to see the good in them

When you see the good and innocence in another human being, you realize that whatever frailties they have are not as devastating to the relationship as it had looked like before

Just as a person slipping on ice will contort their body in strange ways to regain their balance, the person emotionally off-balance will behave in puzzling ways in an attempt to regain their emotional bearings.

Being happy with someone does not come from finding the ideal mate for you, but from you being able to hold on to your goodwill and not focusing your mental energy on

dissatisfaction and judgments. And when you do have those thoughts, remember that it’s just your way of being sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything. You can easily bounce back and regain your goodwill and perspective

If you fill your head with judgments, concern and evaluations of your partner, then you will not be able to fully enjoy the relationship